I was dancing to “Kill V. Maim” (as I do) and when the chorus kicked in, it came popping right out.
All the repressed pure anger leaked out of me.
This ties into masking for me. especially “The Anger that Goes Straight to My Hands”, but the rest of it as well.
I’m not saying that it’s valid to go off and whack someone. ;p Although that happens as well, I think it’s important to not deny that. Your reflexes are your reflexes. It’s a mistake, but shit happens.
What I’m talking about is more like this:
“If I didn’t hold on tight and ride out the physical impulse, I would lash out with hands at whatever was nearby, punching, throwing or breaking something to dissipate the energy in my hands.”
“When I read stories about children lashing out violently, I wonder if this is what they’re feeling. Maybe it’s not anger in a traditional sense but the need to release a sudden incomprehensible surge of energy.”
“In the same way that I experience pure undistilled happiness, I also experience a very pure form of anger. It starts in my brain and terminates in my hands. It’s reflexive. White hot. Short-lived. Irrational. More chemical or electrical than emotional.”
It definitely maps as an analogue to pure undistilled happiness for me. It was like this really clear rage. My fists balled up and I was *flailing*.
I’m not gonna lie, it felt *fantastic*. Like I get why people like hardcore now.
I’d always wondered why I didn’t like hardcore, but *nothing but guttural gothic screaming* was like “Oh yeah, this is good. Solid approve. 10/10”
It reminds me of this “BZZZZT” that happens if i’m shutting down or cooling off, and this…angry, visceral muck is right beneath stimming hard. My arms are flopping and flailing, but sort of mindlessly, rather than *spikes* *pure elation* or *spikes* *white-hot anger*. Just sort of ~ tranquilo ~, then up comes this repressed, nihilistic muck. It freaked me out at first, but I’ve learned to work with it, to embrace it.
I think of it like electricity that’s being held back behind a switch – if it can’t release, the current can build up, and starts eating through around what’s surrounding it.
My wondering on this: does this contribute to depression, and specifically, feelings of worthlessness? it seems like it has similar qualities, but I wouldn’t know. (Autistic burnout, that, though. Definitely.) I don’t “do self-loathing”, but i definitely have a corner of my psyche that feels like that, until it finds an outlet.
More infos:
https://jeanettepurkis.wordpress.com/2018/05/16/too-nice-avoiding-the-traps-of-exploitation-and-manipulation/
https://autisticsciencelady.wordpress.com/2018/08/14/autistic-burnout-regression-and-identity-crisis/
CW: suicide, some self-negating takes (that have a context, see the above link to cross-reference)